Dear Blog friends,
It is 1:00 a.m.….. Saturday June 18th…. 86 days since our accident. John is asleep. I have taken my sleeping pills and muscle relaxer but sleep escapes me. I feel sad and I’m not sure why. I have less pain now. This hospital bed is raised at the head so I don’t have to lie flat. I have friends come every day to visit and to help us. I can do more things every day. I have every reason to be happy…. but I feel lonely.
Isn’t that dumb???? John is only down the hall. Friends spend hours with me visiting and watching movies. I have my scriptures, good books and TV at my finger tips. I have this computer and you blog friends to link me to the world. I’m sent gifts and beautiful flowers. It is ridiculous that I feel isolated.
Today a sweet friend brought us a load of things that were in our car when we crashed on 3/25/11. We could not bring them with us when we flew home. I just found the clothes that they cut off of me that evening in the ER. I thought they had thrown them away at the hospital but they didn’t. Looking at them makes me really sad. I had put on one of my nicest outfits that morning knowing that all my kids would be waiting there in Utah for us to arrive. Seeing my clothes all cut into pieces brings back the vivid memories of that awful evening….. They also seem symbolic of the way our wonderful plans for that vacation and family events were torn away from us. Going to the temple with little Ellie, celebrating Cal’s and Loni’s birthdays…. Going to Nationals with Johnny… missing EJ’s and Claire’s talent shows…. in a blink of an eye, they were all cut out of my life… just like my clothes.
Instead of being a lovely rose in the garden of life, I feel like this cactus….. all prickly… and out of place.
Here I am still spending 95% of my time lying in this hospital bed 86 days later. I want to be normal again. I want to be out of pain. I want my life back. ….. I want my car back…… I want my independence back….. and yet…. I know I am greatly blessed and have no cause to complain. My husband was not cut out of my life like I first thought he was. I am so thankful for that. Prayers and love support me. I know my Heavenly Father knows me and hears our prayers.
I have many reasons for my heart to rejoice…. and … I do thank the Lord daily for my many blessings.
I have not been blogging much because I feel like you have heard everything I have to say…. I don’t want to bore you …. and I don’t want to sound unappreciative of my bounteous blessings.
In this season of my life when I am just “being” instead of “doing” I guess I need to find a way to bloom where I have been planted. I need to learn patience. I need to be humble and accept what the Lord’s will is for me.
I am falling way a little short of those goals…. but I am really trying to do better and be better.
I know that our loving Heavenly Father is patient with me in spite of my weaknesses.
I hope that you will be patient with me too.
May God bless us all that we can be better tomorrow than we are tonight.
Sweet dreams blog friends….. or….. Good morning blog friends…. which ever the case may be. Hugs, Grammy Lura
11 comments:
Lura, my heart aches for you. I am sorry you feel so down. I wish there was more that I could do for you. I cannot imagine how difficult your days are. You are not alone though, and I know you know this. Praying for the comforter to lift you up and for the Saviour to make his presence felt even more in your life. You are dear and precious to me, but I know you are even more dear and precious to Him. For whatever reason, you and John were saved and are still with us. I thank my Heavenly Father for that blessing every day. I love you. xxoo
Lura it might help you if you remember you are in the middle of a process. The grief process is necessary for our hearts and bodies to recover from a great shock and loss. While there was not a death involved (and we are thankful for that) you did lose your expectations and your dreams in a shocking way. One of the stages of grief is depression; it is likely that you will go through it, come out of it, and go back through it again. That could happen multiple times. You faced the reality of death...you could have lost John and you thought you had. Grief is necessary to heal. Tet daytime hours are more easily filled and so you get through them pretty much intact but the nights are long and empty sometimes. Plan ahead for what you can do during those times...crossword puzzles, load jigsaw puzzles on your computer (there are free ones at jigzone.com), play scrabble on the computer, do something with your mind. Just reading probably won't work because your mind will wander. Your mind needs to be engaged. I hope these suggestions help but also know that I continue to lift you up each day in my prayer time. blessings, marlene
being stuck in bed not being able to live each day the way you want to is a depressing state...not that i have experienced even a fraction of what you have, but i get very melancholy after i've had a baby and i'm stuck in bed for a few days and spend a couple of weeks taking it easy. i like to be up and doing things, i don't like other people doing it for me! joey helps but doesn't do things the way i want them done, etc. so i can't imagine even a particle of what you are feeling! we women are doers! so i know you must be going crazy stuck in bed like that:( i'm so sorry lura. each day must drag on. i wish i could make it all better for you! just keep visualizing the future and that this will all be in the past before you know it. it will be all better and each day hopefully will get easier. and you will be up and about doing what you love most-taking care of your family and your home-thats why i think you are so depressed. you are being taken care of instead of the other way around. and thats your nature-to give of yourself and to care for others. so it must be so hard to not be able to. i love you and think about you all the time. prayers that your spirits can be lifted during this hard time! xoxo
Dear Lura,you are still a beautiful rose..the pruning must be very difficult but you will bloom again better than ever..
{{hugs}}
A Solitary Way
There is a mystery in the human heart,
and tho' we, encircled with a host
Of those who love us well, and are beloved,
There comes a sense of utter loneliness.
Our dearest friend is stranger to our joy,
And cannot realize our bitterness--
There is not one who really understands,
Not one to enter into all we feel:
Such is the cry of each of us in turn--
We wander in a solitary way.
No matter where or what our lot may be,
Each heart, mysterious even to itself,
Must live its inner life in solitude.
And would you know the reason why this is?
It is because the Lord desires our love.
In every heart He wishes to be first
He therefore keeps the secret key Himself,
To open all its chambers and to bless--
With perfect sympathy and holy peace
Each solitary soul who comes to Him
So when we feel this loneliness,
It is the voice of Jesus crying,
"Come to me"
And every time we are not understood,
It is a call to us to "Come again!"
For Christ alone can satisfy the soul.
Thus those who walk with Him from day to day
Can never have a solitary way!
And when beneath some heavy load we faint
And say, "I cannot bear this heavy load alone!"
We say thet truth: Christ made it purposely,
So heavy that we must return to Him.
The bitter grief that no one understands
Conveys a secret message to the King.
Entreating us to come to Him again.
The "Man of Sorrows" understands it well.
"In all points like as we--"
He can feel with you.
You cannot come too often nor too near.
The Son of God is infinite in grace,
His presence satisfies the longing soul.
And those who walk with Him from day to day
Can never have a solitary way!
My dear Lura, just yesterday I was thinking in you, so, you and John had lived strong and difficults things, and I understand you fell something down. and the pills! some pills are good for your pain but others made you down, I know this.
Oh My dear you have to think again, God is with you you are not alone, He is with you because you are alittle girl for Him. Day by day (I tell my Mom this she is sick now) we dont have other possibilites sometimes we forget this but really we always are in God Hands...
Send you huggs, a lot of huggs, and this night a special pray for yopu my dear, hugs, I promees to see you more times!! gloria
and of course you are and special and beautiful rose, give and smile my dear! huggs
Lura, I am so sorry that you are still enduring so much 86 days later! I wish I could come hang out with you and make you smile! I wish I had a way to make everything all better but I don't
:( I am sorry that you had to go through all of this! I can only pray that you will recover to 100% soon! Sending you lots of love and hugs! Your friend, Kelsi
Dear Lura,I understand your feelings,been there and done it. well it's been almost 2 yers now, and I'm starting to feel normal agin.the lonelynest realy not to me. It just take's time.and we are all different.And you have worst then me a lot worst.My RA and Diabetic got in the way and slowed my heeling,and lack of money. How's your ribs doing? You doing so well,just keep hanging in there. We all love you and wish we could do more.You are not boring ever if all you worte was Hi.xxxoo
end you lot of huggs dear Lura and special to John in Father´s day, kisses and blessings, gloria
You are still a Rose, Lura.
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